The word surprises me more than ever today. I understand what feeling is today more than I ever have!
By principle, I never play with anyone’s hope. I don’t let people have any hopes or expectations from me which I cannot fulfill and that is why I told my mother that I will not go and ’see’ (for an arranged marriage thing) a guy just for the fun of it because I understand that the person whom I am going to see may end up liking me which may not eventually happen with me. I will only go and see a guy and say a yes, if nothing is majorly wrong with him! I have told God that God, please don’t make me play with anyone’s hopes. All my life, I have never given hope to any guy I do not have intentions to be with but if I have given my word, it is equal to my commitment.
However, no one can be flawless. My karma in the past was not as good and my claim to perfection is not without its occasional lapses. Yesterday, I came to realize what I had lost – I have lost a guy who had truly loved me for the way I thought and not the way I looked or what I can do for him. Even after about 2 years, he remembered every detail, every conversation, every mail, everything I said. I could not respond to him the way he expected me to, and yet he remembers me as a cute person today without any feelings of hatred or hard feelings – it surely takes a beautiful heart for that! I had forgotten most of the details: nothing but a vague memory of our conversations was there but I had never ever imagined that a man can remember so many details – men are generally believed to be insensitive, but he truly surprised me. We were great friends and I had some of the best conversations of my life with him but I never paused to think that for him it may have gone beyond light hearted flirting!
He even remembered that my sister had told me that he had some real feelings for me. I had taken what she had said casually. Today I can understand everything he felt; because his emotion was true, without any expectations, and without any kind of complaint. I can feel the beauty of what he had felt.
I was his first love and he had flirted with a lot of women before me but after meeting me he realized that “she is the one!”. After me, he stopped flirting and had even dreamt of a beautiful future but it was my inability to see what was there and respond to it. I could not see beyond what was laid out in front of me – the lighthearted conversations, the joking, flirting, silly yet grave discussions! There are no regrets today, just a feeling of failure to respond to feelings which were true! I hate failing people who truly love me!
He chose to simply slip out of my life slowly without even letting me notice it or rather I was so busy with myself that I did not notice it – a silly ignoramus woman!
but it is definitely a surprise). I bought a birthday card, wrote a letter in it and sent it to God. I felt so petty, so silly and so nice that I cannot describe it in words. My life seemed trivial. But I noticed something: I really had nothing to ask from God. I asked for a lot of things for everybody around me but only one wish for myself – to give me wisdom and strength to be myself. I asked for love and an ability to love selflessly, and some wishes for special people around me. I felt light and I suddenly felt very special, very cared for… all that I did was to ask for good people and good karma…please see to them God! Thanks for making me so special! 
